So my little sister comes home from school today and says, “There was a fight today.”
After realizing that she was not, in fact, referring to my completed mission to clear a fort of bandits in Skyrim I asked her where this fight took place.
“At school,” She replied.
Now I want to apologize to any Hampden Academy alumni who remember differently than I do, but I don’t recall there ever being a fist fight in my high school when I was there. So, as one can imagine, this news disturbed me somewhat.
So here’s the hardcore, hearsay driven rumour that ended up coming to me this fine evening: Two female freshman high school students found themselves in a bit of a disagreement. Apparently one girl, henceforth referred to as Girl A told the other girl, henceforth referred to as Girl B, that she was going to get someone to beat her up (Girl B, not Girl A). I’m not really sure when young women resorted to hiring hitmen to solve high school problems, but considering the lack of maturity in all high school problems this can’t be all that surprising.
Anyway, apparently asserting that someone is going to track you down and give you a black eye is worthy of a reaction. Most people would say, “That’s really stupid.” However, Girl B is not “most people”. Girl B says, “Do it!” and then pushes Girl A, single-handedly making the delicate art of body language obsolete.
Now lets pause for a moment and reflect. What would a normal person do in this situation? If you’re thinking, “But Ryan, normal people don’t tell people they are going to get someone to beat someone else up, nor do they resort to fighting over petty high school problems.” To which I would respond: “Good point.”
Unpause. Girl A decides the best way to resolve the situation is punching Girl B in the face. This is entirely logical considering the fact that nothing about these two girls seems to be logical. Below is the most accurate depiction I could find on the internet…
Girl A allegedly channels the spirit of Glass Joe and misses. Girl B then goes all out Mike Tyson and “Took her down”. She then proceeded to punch Girl A “a whole shit ton” which, it turns out, is “eight times or more to the face”. If you’re wondering where I am getting all these quotations, it’s because Girl B was kind enough to tell her whole story in her Facebook status: “Suspended 3 days. Sooo worth it.” I wish I was kidding.
I’m not though, and here’s the real sad thing: the vice principal decided to give Girl B a three day suspension rather than a week long one because she has been “good” lately.
So here’s to you Girl A and Girl B. One of you probably stole the other’s boyfriend or something, but it doesn’t really matter because regardless of the problem, you’ve brought problem solving to a whole new low.
Now grow up.