Why “Apparating” Would Actually Be Terrible

I was born in the nineties, so, like everyone else of my generation, I read the Harry Potter series growing up. There’s a lot to love in the series. Whether Harry is flying on a hyppogrif over the campus, or flying on a broomstick over the Quidditch field, or flying in a magical car over London, wizarding forms of transportation seem vastly superior to the transportation of us “muggles”. The most efficient and impressive transportation of all is the ability to “apparate”.

Like driving, wizards aren’t allowed to apparate until they turn 16 years old. Also, like driving, young wizards who can finally apparate will apparate all the time before the novelty wears off. With a snap of your fingers, you can dissapperate in one place, and apparate in another. Any travelling takes just a split second. Imagine the ability to go from anywhere to anywhere any time in just a moment. How could something so awesome go wrong?

Allow me to explain…

  • You are never alone.

Imagine it is your wedding night. Your beautiful bride is sitting on the bed eagerly awaiting for you to finish untying your bowtie so that you can get to consummating. The lights are low, the mood is high, you can hear Marvin Gaye music playing in the background.

All of a sudden your mother pops out of thin air! “Dahling you and your bride looked gahgeous today!” she glows with pride as you stumble backward, trip over an ottoman and spill your champaign all over the carpet.

“Mom! Get out! We’re busy right now!” You shout from the floor.

“I’m sorry dahling!” she stutters, her cheeks going red as she realizes what she interrupted. She then disappears as quickly as she came. She is gone, but the damage has been done. The moment is gone and you and your wife will spend the next forty years in a miserable union because you can’t make love without a constant fear of someone appearing at the end of the bed.

No matter where you are or what you are doing, you are never safe from someone popping into the same place you are. Even in a public restroom someone could appear in the same stall you are using. There is no escape from it. Which makes something else even more terrifying…

  • Crime.

This world would be full of home invasions and bank robberies. If you could just appear in a bank vault, grab some money, and then disappear without any way of being tracked, you would probably even try it. There’s no way insurance companies would cover losses due to robbers apperating because it would happen to everyone all the time. You’ll come home to an empty house every day, not because your wife has left you and your sexless marriage, but because anything of value will be taken while you’re at work.

You’ll never have a toaster with which to toast your bread because someone will always take it. You’ll never have paintings on your wall or a computer to blog on or a t.v. to watch movies on.

…Speaking of which…

  • Movies would suck.

In a world where apparating exists, movie plots would be short and boring. In The Hunt for Red October, Sean Connery can just apparate to America. No one has to kill anyone and there’s a lot less stress. The story is also really boring. In Taken when Liam Neeson gets a call from his daughter screaming that a bunch of thugs broke into her apartment in Paris he can just appear there, beat them up and it’s over. Queen Amidala and the jedi could just apparate to a different planet, skipping over Tatooine and avoid ruining our childhoods in the process.

Every movie would be about twenty minutes long and would always conclude with the protagonists saying, “Boy that situation would have been a lot more interesting if we didn’t have the ability to apparate!”

No, seriously, all the death row inmates just disappeared!

A world with apparating would be like hell. Never alone, you are always at risk of some masked prankster to appear, punch you in the face and then disappear without a trace. You can’t eat, you can’t sleep. You’d love to escape to a deserted island, but you know that everyone else could go there too. The only thing to do would be to apparate out into deep space.

So whenever a fellow Harry Potter fan comes up to me and says, “Wouldn’t it be awesome to apparate?!” I simply curl myself up into a fetal position and cry.


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