Orange Dreamsicle

So I’m walking around the mall with the lovely Miss Biddlecom when I find myself drawn to the wonderful aromas emanating from Yankee Candle. This is not an irregular occurrence. I don’t always shop at the Bangor Mall, but when I do, I always have to stop by the Yankee Candle shop and get my fill on candle sniffing for a while.

I’m the most interesting man in the world.

Yankee Candle seems to be commonly considered a “girl shop”, it’s one of those places that wives drag their husbands when the house starts to smell too much like stale beer. For the most part one finds excited women and morose-looking men in a Yankee Candle shop. However, there is a select group; a cultured group of men who find themselves in a Yankee Candle shop for all the right reasons: A Yankee Candle shop is like a Sam’s Club. At Sam’s you can go around sampling all the little treats at sample stations and get your fill on snacks for an afternoon. A Yankee Candle you can go around and smell everything in the store and not pay a penny!

Imagine a resturaunt where you can sample every wine they have on the menu, you can take as many sips as you want, and then you can leave without buying a thing. That is the magic of Yankee Candle. …without the risk of a hangover.

So Kim and I step into the Yankee Candle with the intention of sniffing our way through their inventory, but I am stopped as soon as I enter by a setup at the front of the store. The big poster over the top read: “Introducing our MAN Candles”.

It seems that Yankee Candle is doing a trial run of some new scents aimed at only men. I found myself sniffing through some new smells titled “Man Town” and “First Down”. “Man Town” smells similar to a happening club without the overwhelming aroma of sweaty armpits. “First Down” is the one-of-a-kind smell of a brand new football. I was most pleased. I figured every time I came back to Yankee Candle I would be able to have a valid argument for being there. My hopes were soon dashed.

“Those new candles are limited edition!” said the shop attended who saw me taking deep inhalations of “First Down”.

I was able to contain my tears. Despite the wonderous smells that had been created in Yankee Candle’s “Man Candles” the prices were still absurd. No man in his right mind would ever pay $30 for a scented candle unless it were for a significant other, and even then, they could just buy a car freshener with the same scent for about two bucks. …which is exactly what I did.

I went up to the desk and asked for a “Man Town” car freshener. The attendant told me that it was buy-one-get-one free. So I had to go back and grab “First Down” as well. Before we left, Kim and I observed that some of the Candles had some rather unique and interesting names. One was called “Orange Dreamsicle” which, no joke, smelled like a citrus popsicle. This got me wondering…

What sort of candle names would they reject?
Here are some of my ideas:

  • Grandma’s Cat
  • Athlete’s Foot
  • Methane Melody
  • Curbside Couch
  • Dorm Life
  • The Perfume/Cologne Your Ex Used to Wear
  • Lonely Skunk
  • Cow Patties
  • Gym Sock
  • Aunt Bertha’s Meatloaf
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