Today I am going to be working as a server at a wedding at the resturaunt. In my experience, weddings seem to be most meaningful for the bride and groom and those closest to the lucky couple. I would probably enjoy a wedding more if I had been able to take part in the bachelor party or if I was over the age of 21. For those of us who are not of age, weddings are an opportunity to practice subtlety while napping in church.

We all do it.

I’ve been to only a couple weddings I can remember. One was my uncle’s and the other was my grandmother’s. My uncle’s was interesting. If you’ve been married more than once, is it really necessary to get the whole ceremony at the alter again? If all the anti-gay marriage rhetoric is to be believed, then marriage hasn’t changed in thousands of years, so you’re probably not going to hear anything new the second time around. The ceremony lasted for what felt like a good four hours. I twiddled my thumbs solemnly and did my best not to yawn. We then went off to some hunting club bar type place where deer, moose and bear heads littered the walls. Everything was in camo except for the DJ who played 80’s hits I didn’t really recognize. It was quite late when we left and I don’t remember anything memorable happening (obviously).

My grandmother’s wedding was a little bit more memorable and meaningful to me. My grandmother is one of the most wonderful  women in the world and when my grandfather passed away I was very much worried that she would grow sad without some company. She ended up running into an old high school friend at a yard sale and they fell in love. I can’t think of a better man to come into her life. After a while we heard that they were going to get married. The wedding ceremony seemed shorter. The after-party was pleasant too. Everyone danced and joked and talked about things that I actually could understand. My cousins were there and so were a couple friends that my grandmother knew so I had more company that I could relate to. It was a grand old time.

Now I’m twenty and I’m serving at a wedding and I am wondering what I can do to make sure I look awake and interested. I already told my boss that at some point during the after-party I would have to grab the microphone and sing the signature wedding song of the 1980’s

The funny thing is that my boss totally thinks I’m kidding.

It should be a lot of fun. I’ll be the guy waltzing around all dressed up fancy-like with a platter of little delectables that people can eat. It was my intention to grow a French mustache for the occasion, unfortunately I only found out that I was working the event a week ago which did not give me enough time to grow an adequate mustache.

I require three weeks for the mustache and three years to acquire the grease necessary to curl it.

It’ll definitely be an interesting new experience. Most nights when I am carrying trays around they are only to and from the kitchen. If I am walking around for a couple of hours with a tray full of food at a wedding then it increases my chance of spilling the tray full of food all over the bride’s dress by 873%. I can see it now…

Me: “Hi there Bride, how would you like a bacon-wrapped scallop covered in Maine maple syrup? I have a full tray full, with lots of syrup!”
Bride: “I would love a bacon-wrapped scallop, oh handsome server boy with a French mustache!”
(I approach and trip spilling contents all over the $10,000 dress)

Special thanks to Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield for supplying the perfect picture.

Me: “I am so sorry!”
Bride: “It’s all right  handsome, why don’t you and I get out of here?”
Me: “Uh… I have a girlfriend.”
(I then scurry off  home where I confront my shame in a stereotypical sad shower scene)

Hopefully that doesn’t happen, I’d love the couple to get hitched without a hitch. If everything goes well tonight then I’ll return home with my shield instead of on it.

Above: True love


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