Why Smartfood’s White Cheddar Popcorn is Essentially Crack.

Have you ever done crack? Me neither. I don’t believe I’ve known anyone who has done it, but you, like me, have probably been introduced to everything that you need to know about the narcotic already. Chiefly; in fourth or fifth grade.

I double DOG dare you!

This (chronologically) is where the similarities begin between crack and Smartfood’s White Cheddar Popcorn. It is around fourth or fifth grade that we are introduced to our first taste of crack and SWCP, the former through D.A.R.E., the latter through lunch. The key difference (for most people) in fifth grade is that you’ll learn about one from lectures and you’ll learn about the other from experience.

First, both SWCP and crack are white. This may seem like a coincidence, but consider that white is generally a color that portrays goodness and light, when in reality, these two substances only lead to addiction and pain.  Crack cocaine is one of the most addictive drugs on “the market” with only heroin and tobacco presenting any competition in terms of being most addictive.

SWCP has not been tested for it’s addictive properties alongside cocaine, but then again, the addictive properties kind of speak for themselves.

It is often difficult to tell the difference between a SWCP addict and a crack addict. Both have permanently hungry expressions that cannot be satisfied no matter how many bags of their poison are consumed. Both will do wild and crazy things to get their hands on their respective substance, and most noticeably, they will get white powder everywhere.



Both crack and SWCP addicts have been known to inflict bodily harm upon themselves. For crack addicts, it is due to bad trips. For SWCP addicts, it’s because the sticky feeling on their fingers is notoriously hard to get off. There have been many reported deaths due to overdosing on crack, and we can speculate that Smartfood is withholding information regarding similar situations with their most loyal customers.

If you or someone you know is doing crack or Smartfood’s White Cheddar Popcorn, please seek help immediately. Friends don’t let friends do crack, and friends don’t let friends do Smartfood without taking half of the bag and arguing over who gets to pour the remaining crumbs into his/her mouth when the legitimate-sized pieces have already been eaten.


One response to “Why Smartfood’s White Cheddar Popcorn is Essentially Crack.

  1. I would type a lengthier comment but I’ll get white cheddar dust all over the keyboard. A well-done and accurate comparison!

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