Life in Skyrim

I was conversing with my friend Abby today about Skyrim. Yes, that magical computer-generated world of dragons, magic and endless hours of organization. It occurred to me that everyday situations that would happen in Skyrim would likely be hilarious. Firstly… marriage.

Seriously.

Imagine coming back to your house in Whiterun after a long day of bandit fighting and dragon slaying. It’s late and you haven’t been home since last Fredas. You close the door quietly behind you, hopeful not to wake your Nord wife Grelka, but you turn and find yourself face to face with her.

Grelka: Where have you been??

You: Well, uh… I’ve been out slaying dragons.

Grelka: Do you really expect me to accept that excuse again? That’s exactly what you said last time!”

You: I’m the Dragonborn! There are a lot of freaking dragons out there!

Grelka: Don’t get me started on all that Dragonborn nonsense. Do you remember the last time you hung out with those “Companions” of yours? You got drunk and became a werewolf! Do you have any idea how long it took me to clean up all the fur you shed!?

You: I’ve already said I was sorry a half a million times! By the nine!

Grelka: You missed dinner with the Grey-Mane family! We had icewolfmeat loaf.

You: We always have icewolfmeat loaf!

Grelka: That’s because it’s the only kind of animal pelt you think is worth it’s weight!

You: Don’t you start on my weight limit!

Grelka: If you could just bring home a bear pelt instead…

You: A BEAR PELT?? The last time I tried to bring a bear pelt home I already had 308lbs of stuff in my inventory already! A bear pelt is 3 lbs! My weight limit is 310 lbs! I was so over encumbered I couldn’t even fast travel!

Grelka: You couldn’t even what?

You: It doesn’t matter! What does matter is that I had to drop 15 lbs of dragon bones just so that we could eat!

Grelka: If you are fine up to 310 pounds, why didn’t you just drop two pounds of dragon bones?

You: It doesn’t work like that!!

Grelka: What were you going to do with dragon bones anyway?

You: Make some dragon armor!

Grelka: What? You can’t make something like that, you only have a smithing skill of 47.

You: How do you know that?!

Grelka: I can tell just by looking up at the sky.

You: You’re impossible. I don’t know why I married you.

Anyone that’s ever played Skyrim can tell you that interactions in stores that involve buying and selling can be a bit awkward.

Imagine you’ve been out trudging through underground tombs and prisons and you’ve found all kinds of valuable-looking stuff you want to sell. You go into Belethor’s Goods and you walk over to the counter. Belethor is behind the counter rubbing out a smudge on the counter with a rag. He looks up.

Belethor: Everything’s for sale!

You: Hello to you too. Umm, I’d like to sell a few things.

Belethor: Some may call these junk. Me, I call them treasures.

You: How much can I get for this ancient sword? I’ve got it valued at at least 1200 septums.

Belethor: I’ll give you fifteen gold for it!

You: What?? This thing is clearly thousands of years old! It has to be worth more than 15 gold.

Belethor: Everything’s for sale!

You: Wha- What does that have to do with what we are talking about? Forget it. You are selling a piece of charcol for 15 gold, and charcol literally has no use in this entire world. You are telling me that this ancient sword is worth the same as a piece of junk?

Belethor: Some may call these junk. Me, I call them treasures.

You: Here, just take a look at what I have found and tell me if you could give me a good price for any of it.

Belethor: Where did you get all this stuff?

You: I found a lot of the gems in burial urns.

Belethor: That’s messed up.

You: No it’s not!

Belethor: Is that bonemeal off a dead human?

You: …uh, well he was kind of living-dead…

Belethor: Embalming tools?

You: How much can you give me?

Belethor: Nothing. …Is this a human heart?

You: uh…

Belethor: Everything’s for sale!

You: I’m just going to go now.

Belethor: Do come back!

I can imagine the casual gossip that would you would be able to overhear around Skyrim…

“Did you hear about that Arentino boy? One of his neighbors overheard moaning coming from his house. It turns out he had an illegal nirnroot-growing business in his basement. How could he have thought no one would have heard him growing those plants? If the noise didn’t give it away, the glow would have!”

“Did you hear what the Dragonborn has done recently? He shouted an elderly lady down a road. …Oh what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say ‘Fus Roh Dah’ at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land. Nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress in this period in history.”

“Have you been keeping up with Vampire Diaries? Imagine a world where we didn’t kill every vampire we saw as soon as they entered our city.”

“It’s the strangest thing, every time the Dragonborn visits a city, burglaries, pick-pocketing and other minor crimes go through the roof.”

 

 

 

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23 responses to “Life in Skyrim

  1. Hahaha! That’s really funny! I think I want to start this game (yes, I know it’s late). I’ll be thinking of this post everytime I find myself in these situations.

  2. YES! You hit the nail on the head. Very funny. Skyrim is at once a total fantasy world and utterly banal. Look forward to reading more.

  3. Love this! My boyfriend is a fan of skyrim and I kinda into it too sometimes. I can, right now, imagine the husband and wife (Grelka) having the conversation. “looking up at the sky”, that’s hilarious. Thasnks for this skyrim world. 🙂

  4. This reminds me of something I saw a long time ago, but it was about the Zelda games. If you were to wander into someones house uninvited, rummage through their drawers for potions etc, and even raid their treasure chest out back you would definitely get arrested. I would love to live in a video game world, just so I could do ridiculous things and have ridiculous arguments like the one you posted. Genius!

  5. That was so funny, great views on Skyrim. The bit where Grelka tells you to drop the Dragon bones was briliant. Skyrim is a great game, but it kinda takes over after a while, lots of fun. Maybe I’ll even finish it one day :0)

  6. Loved this. There are so many scenarios in this game and most others that are implausible in real life or would at the very least be really hilarious. Great post and congrats on being freshly pressed!

  7. I loved this! Especially the conversation with Belathor. I was *this* close to marrying the sleazy wop before I realised I’d have to hear “oh, hello dear” in that hideous slimy voice every single day. Great post.

  8. This reminds me of conversations I have with my brother regarding a much older game, Final Fantasy Tactics for PS1. In that, you send characters out on quests. When they return, they give you a report that goes somewhat like: “We traveled very far for a long time
    It was a short walk!
    There was a large battle. We did our very best. Everyone was nice! We found a treasure chest.”
    And then it ends with: “This is the way!”

    Though Skyrim has advanced graphics and physics, it’s still at heart an RPG. Those always have a bizarre world.

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