Avocados are effectively my worst enemy. I used to get annoyed with people who had allergies. I’m working at a restaurant that fries all the seafood together, so when someone comes in with a shrimp allergy but wants fried clams… My blood boils. Where do they come off having an allergy, ruining our carefully thought-out menus and limiting our ability to give them the tastiest food north of Boston? It just so happened that I never had an allergy before, so I was just as ignorant and insensitive as a radio talk show host.
I am allergic to avocados.
…I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, Avocados? Really Ryan? Avocados are the healthiest thing since daily vitamins! How can you possibly be allergic to avocados?!
To which I would like to respond: Calm down.
Yeah, it’s true. I don’t know why, but for whatever reason, every time I eat even the slightest bit of avocado I feel like crap for the next five hours or so. It’s a really horrible thing for me because avocado is a great ingredient in sandwiches, salads, and, most importantly; some of my favorite types of sushi. I’m afraid that the avocado gods have frowned on me.
So now, while I’m in the throes of displeasure, I realize just how important allergies are to people. Everyone wants to say that “there are two types of people in this world,” but the truth is, there are many types of people, and among them are people who have allergies. We should not have to hide our true selves! We can’t be apologizing left and right for the inconvenience we put people through when they have to change a meal to fit our needs! I was once just a man, but now I am a man with an avocado allergy. And I’m proud of it!
Sing with me!
Amazing food how sweet the smell
That made me wretch quickly
after lunch, next time I’ll tell
it can’t settle well with me!
I can see it now! Protests in Time Square over the use of peanuts in Snickers! Chick-Fil-A will come out against us and we’ll stage sit-ins at seafood restaurants until our faces swell! “We’re here! We can’t drink beer! (due to gluten-allergies) Get used to it!”